Congratulations on Stealing the Crown!

Remember that movie The Thomas Crown Affair? Of course you don’t, no one really does. But you’re going to wish you did today because you’re going to wake up in Pierce Brosnan’s body today and be forced to steal a crown in order to return to your own body, so it’s suddenly going to become relevant. We assume the plot of that movie is more or less exactly what’s going to go down with you, but we haven’t seen it ourselves so we’re not entirely sure.

Anyhow, the witch will want you help reinvigorating Brosnan’s career. After the dancing baby from Ally McBeal got all that crime press earlier this week she’ll see this heist as a potential way to get Brosnan back into the middle, where he spent a the bulk of the 90s. But Brosnan isn’t that great at anything anymore, and he certainly won’t have the gumption to pull off a robbery like the one she has planned.

So she’ll get you, a shiftless young man with a lot of dreams and no luck whatsoever in life, to inhabit Brosnan’s body for a day. Using Brosnan’s fading good looks and your can-do attitude and capacity for action and planning you’ll pull off a crown heist in a small European country that no one who reads this blog has ever, ever heard of. It’ll be super entertaining, but we can’t describe it here for legal reasons (there’s currently a film based the events on it in development, with Brosnan starring!). Once the deed is done you’ll return to your old body with a substantial sum transferred to your bank account and no regrets.

Brosnan will do a little bit better, but not that much better - let’s be honest, his ship has pretty much sailed. And as much as we’d love to say that everything is going to work out great for him after this next movie his career really won’t come back that much./ So while he’ll certainly be better off he won’t be the powerhouse he was ever again. Which is kind of a shame, but these things happen. At least you’ll have the confidence and experience you need for your next heist, which we’re sure will be bigger and better than anything that witch could’ve dreamed up.

Congratulations on Stealing the Crown!