It’s your seventh birthday and you literally could not be more excited about today. It’s widely agreed upon that seven is the best age ever, the year before you start to see how awful the world is and the year after you really can’t do enough in the world to enjoy how wonderful it seems to you as a kid.
So you’re going to be super duper nervous about your birthday party today. You’ll know in your marrow that it’s going to be a good one, but your mom won’t have told you a gosh darn thing about what’s going to go down. So when she leads you into your backyard and all your friends leap out of the bushes and shout “Surprise!” at you you’re going to be quite surprised indeed. So surprised that you’re going to pee.
And not just a little tiny sprinkle of pee, like a few drops coming out after you sink a particularly difficult shot during a B-ball game. No, you’re going to void your bladder in a torrent that will soak your pants and leave you reeking of urine. Which would be embarrassing enough, but you’re going to insist on wearing those pants as a badge of honor and you’re going to spend the entire day walking around your party soaked in your own piss, shaking hands and smiling at people. It’s going to be the most awkward birthday party ever, but you won’t seem to notice.
Which, of course, makes it that much worse for everyone around you.
Congratulations Awkward Birthday Boy!
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