Congratulations on Passing Your Qualifying Exam!

The months and months (or hours and hours, we haven’t been paying attention to you before this happened) of effort will finally pay off today. Today you’re going to pass your qualifying exam!

It’ll begin at 6:50 AM, the same way all your days begin. You’ll remove the manacles you chain yourself into every night just in case you suddenly become a werewolf, make yourself a big cup of coffee laced with LSD and skip down the street to the local bus, which you’ll ride to the lab you work in.

“SCIENCE!” you’ll shout at the bus driver, who has long since stopped listening to you. In your mind, though, he’ll respond, grinning.

“Science indeed, mind cadet!”

But today after departing the bus and entering the university campus you’ll do so much more than just sit in front of a graduated cylinder and scribble down whatever the fuck pops into your head so that you can keep collecting grant money to discover the long term affects on acid on science.

Today you’ll sprint across the campus, punching an old man in the face on your way and bursting through a building’s doors so that you can run down the halls to a testing room where you’ll once against punch an old man in the face.

“TEST!” you’ll shout at him.

This will be your third time attempting to pass your qualifying exam, so he’ll be familiar with your mannerisms at this point. He won’t call security or attempt to restrain you. He’ll just point to a desk and direct you to sit, which you’ll do happily. Then he’ll put a piece of paper in front of you and ask you to write everything you know about acid on it.

You’ll gladly capitulate, your pen appearing to move in a blur in your hand (to you – it’ll look like you’re just writing normally to the proctor).

After around five hours of this shit he’ll be adequately impressed by how high you are to give you a gold star on your qualifying exam, which will mark you as one of “the chosen ones.” You’ll take your paper to the school cafeteria where you’ll receive a free brownie from your lunch lady. Since your lunch lady is also the Dead of Students at your university she’ll also begin the paperwork to rescind your pending expulsion from the school following your attempt to replace the university’s water supply with thousands of rats.

Congratulations on Passing Your Qualifying Exam!