Congratulations Cat Abortion Doctor!

The same dogs who tried to kill that dogcatcher the other day? Well just in case anyone felt any sympathy for them we just wanted to let all of our readers know today that those same dogs actually fund a number of abortion clinics for cats.

These aren’t state funded, Obama-bortion clinics where people who want abortions get them in a healthy, sane and safe fashion. No, this is a crazy back-alley just what Republicans want abortion clinic where cats are strapped to tables and forced to abort their babies.

You’re the son of a bitch who runs this particular clinic. You’re an amoral douche who worked for years as a statistician who was tracking the population growth of cats and you eventually decided to take a stand against their rampant growth.

So here you are, in this back alley cat abortion clinic, surrounded by dogs who have brought in the latest batch of cats to get abortions. It’ll be a sorry sight, but it’ll be one that gives you hope. Because in your mind, cats are the cancer that will rot society from the inside out, and if we don’t do something about them they’ll destroy our whole country.

Unfortunately a band of right-wing activist acts will disagree. And after months of planning they’ll choose this day, this moment, as you finish this sentence, to burst into your office and end your reign of terror once and for all.

A cat wearing a vest made of plastic explosives will jauntily trot into your office at that point and detonate herself, killing you, most of the dogs inside and almost all of the cats you were giving unsafe animal abortions to. She’ll have been funded, trained and transported to your office by a band of religious fundamentalist cats who wanted to see you die.

We’d love to say that this is a complicated issue, but the only thing we actually take issue with here is the cat’s politics. She makes us a bit uncomfortable in terms of how conservative she was. We think you’re an asshole and you deserved to die, no question there.

Congratulations Cat Abortion Doctor!