Congratulations Cat Abortion Doctor!

The same dogs who tried to kill that dogcatcher the other day? Well just in case anyone felt any sympathy for them we just wanted to let all of our readers know today that those same dogs actually fund a number of abortion clinics for cats.

These aren’t state funded, Obama-bortion clinics where people who want abortions get them in a healthy, sane and safe fashion. No, this is a crazy back-alley just what Republicans want abortion clinic where cats are strapped to tables and forced to abort their babies.

You’re the son of a bitch who runs this particular clinic. You’re an amoral douche who worked for years as a statistician who was tracking the population growth of cats and you eventually decided to take a stand against their rampant growth.

So here you are, in this back alley cat abortion clinic, surrounded by dogs who have brought in the latest batch of cats to get abortions. It’ll be a sorry sight, but it’ll be one that gives you hope. Because in your mind, cats are the cancer that will rot society from the inside out, and if we don’t do something about them they’ll destroy our whole country.

Unfortunately a band of right-wing activist acts will disagree. And after months of planning they’ll choose this day, this moment, as you finish this sentence, to burst into your office and end your reign of terror once and for all.

A cat wearing a vest made of plastic explosives will jauntily trot into your office at that point and detonate herself, killing you, most of the dogs inside and almost all of the cats you were giving unsafe animal abortions to. She’ll have been funded, trained and transported to your office by a band of religious fundamentalist cats who wanted to see you die.

We’d love to say that this is a complicated issue, but the only thing we actually take issue with here is the cat’s politics. She makes us a bit uncomfortable in terms of how conservative she was. We think you’re an asshole and you deserved to die, no question there.

Congratulations Cat Abortion Doctor!

Congratulations Piece of Paper!

You think you’re so cool, don’t you, piece of paper? Today you’re going to waft on a updraft and inspire a young woman to get an abortion by reminding her that life is actually just a system of natural events that, while serendipitous, are only as sacred as we can make them. You’re going to make her realize that her life shouldn’t end because her boyfriend insisted on not wearing a condom and then broke up with her because “her vagina was too tight.”

Then you’re going to flutter up and inspire a young poet to write a poem entitled “Paper at 12:42 PM.” It’s going to be super pretentious and make a lot of people think they’re smarter than they really are. Academia will write a number of essays about how amazing and meta the piece is, never realizing it’s actually about a fucking piece of paper outside some shithead’s window.

Then you’re going to blind a hang glider who is going for the world record in hang gliding, having been launched from a plane high above the city you’re fluttering up through. You’ll make him lose track of his direct and nose down way too far, careening himself into the earth at breakneck speed and dying horribly in the process.

So we’ll forgive you for the second part and just remember you for the first and the last big things you accomplished today. Congratulations Piece of Paper!

Congratulations on Aborting Sarah Palin's Latest Child!

There are many kinds of public servants, heroes really, who perform valuable acts for society each and every day. They are our police officers, our firemen and, yes, our abortion doctors.

Each and every day you get up and put your latex gloves on one at a time like every other Average Joe and you do your duty like a pro, providing solace and succor to teens who have made terrible mistakes and baby-crazy ladies who have suddenly come their senses after going off of birth control against the advice of medical professionals.

But today you’re going to go above and beyond the call of duty. Today a line of black SUVs is going to pull up in front of the clinic. A band of men in black suits will disgorge from each of the suburban hulks and clear out the protestors from the lawn. Some of them will still shout retarded shit at the bodyguards whenever they turn their backs on them, but a few dry tazes will knock that right out. It will take the better part of an hour, but your lawn will be bereft of irritating protesters for the first time since you started working there.

Once the proverbial dust has settled a woman in a bright red suit will step out of the middle SUV and, under the watch of two suited men, will be spirited to the door and into your clinic. In a matter of moments you’ll recognize the woman as former vice-presidential hopeful and current waste of human life Sarah Palin.

“We need your help,” the suited man will say, looking around your office and taking stock of the various horrified occupants of your office. “We’re willing to make a donation.”

He’ll slide you a piece of paper with a number scrawled on it, a number big enough to fund your clinic for years. Nay, decades. Then he’ll nod and you’ll nod back before sighing and waving Mrs. Palin into an operating room for her procedure.

It’ll take all of your Hippocratic oaths (the one we all know about and the two secret ones) to keep you from purposefully fucking up the abortion and murdering that bitch, but in the end you’ll complete your duties admirably, keeping another one of Sarah Palin’s retarded spawn from entering the world without causing her any undue harm.

In return her and her goons will get the fuck out of your clinic, leaving behind them a big-ass check made out to you personally, because they’re not comfortable donating to a public health clinic where they got an abortion, even though they know that it was really the best thing to do for the entire planet.

You will have kept Sarah Palin from breeding again and secured funding for one of the most oft-reviled and under-funded sectors of public health in the United States. You, sir, will be a true American hero before the day is out, not just one of those queer ass everyday ones like firemen and police officers.

Congratulations on Aborting Sarah Palin’s Latest Child!