Congratulations Live Action Role Players!

Your culture has had some real gets. Like the movie Role Models, that was huge for you guys. It made you seem like interesting people with a weird habit that normal people could enjoy. You’ve had your share of PR blows, like the lightning bolt guy, the SCA and the general state of your internet culture, but you’ve been riding high. Nowadays you can tell people that you LARP and they’ll just get really quiet instead of bursting out laughing.

Well today life is going to get a whole lot more interesting for you when a huge part of the Tea Party joins your community. They’ll do so, as is their way, with at best a loose grasp of the framework governing it, largely entering it as a means of training their mostly obese body politic for the rigors of surviving even a bloodless coup. They’ll also be excited at the prospect of eating mutton off the shank.

They’ll show up and act like absolute dicks, trying to make arbitrary rules based on how they believe other people should play their characters. They’ll generally alienate other groups and try to ruin the game for everyone just because there are some parts they find kind of confusing. They’ll make a kingdom called “America,” which they claim cannot be invaded regardless of circumstance, wherein magic no longer exists and maid may not lay with maid as such it offensive to their imagined king, who presides over their actions from the sky.

The many guilds of LARPing will unite under one banner to show them just how wrong they are. The bean bags will fly, the foam blades clash, but it will not be much of a fight. In the end the Tea Parties will lay broken, declaring that this is no longer fun for anyone. They’ll pout and leave, only a handful of them remaining, having found the entire experience pretty enjoyable. They’ll help you clean up and find guilds they particularly enjoyed being savaged by, joining them and continuing to participate in sanctioned events for years to come.

Congratulations Live Action Role Players! You’ll have allegorically saved America!

Congratulations on Aborting Sarah Palin's Latest Child!

There are many kinds of public servants, heroes really, who perform valuable acts for society each and every day. They are our police officers, our firemen and, yes, our abortion doctors.

Each and every day you get up and put your latex gloves on one at a time like every other Average Joe and you do your duty like a pro, providing solace and succor to teens who have made terrible mistakes and baby-crazy ladies who have suddenly come their senses after going off of birth control against the advice of medical professionals.

But today you’re going to go above and beyond the call of duty. Today a line of black SUVs is going to pull up in front of the clinic. A band of men in black suits will disgorge from each of the suburban hulks and clear out the protestors from the lawn. Some of them will still shout retarded shit at the bodyguards whenever they turn their backs on them, but a few dry tazes will knock that right out. It will take the better part of an hour, but your lawn will be bereft of irritating protesters for the first time since you started working there.

Once the proverbial dust has settled a woman in a bright red suit will step out of the middle SUV and, under the watch of two suited men, will be spirited to the door and into your clinic. In a matter of moments you’ll recognize the woman as former vice-presidential hopeful and current waste of human life Sarah Palin.

“We need your help,” the suited man will say, looking around your office and taking stock of the various horrified occupants of your office. “We’re willing to make a donation.”

He’ll slide you a piece of paper with a number scrawled on it, a number big enough to fund your clinic for years. Nay, decades. Then he’ll nod and you’ll nod back before sighing and waving Mrs. Palin into an operating room for her procedure.

It’ll take all of your Hippocratic oaths (the one we all know about and the two secret ones) to keep you from purposefully fucking up the abortion and murdering that bitch, but in the end you’ll complete your duties admirably, keeping another one of Sarah Palin’s retarded spawn from entering the world without causing her any undue harm.

In return her and her goons will get the fuck out of your clinic, leaving behind them a big-ass check made out to you personally, because they’re not comfortable donating to a public health clinic where they got an abortion, even though they know that it was really the best thing to do for the entire planet.

You will have kept Sarah Palin from breeding again and secured funding for one of the most oft-reviled and under-funded sectors of public health in the United States. You, sir, will be a true American hero before the day is out, not just one of those queer ass everyday ones like firemen and police officers.

Congratulations on Aborting Sarah Palin’s Latest Child!