Last night we spent an incredible amount of time and effort trailing the most boring group of bitches to ever walk the earth. While we learned more than we ever wanted to know about periods (ew), Maggie’s shitty boyfriend (just please fucking dump him already) and Marguerite’s baby (maybe if you love him so much you shouldn’t be drinking six martinis then going home to “help him with math,” which we know means burn him with a coat hanger that’s been held over a gas burner, we all had moms too). But we didn’t see a single instance of girl on girl action.
At one point Ashley and Marty almost kissed, but they started laughing and just hugged for the rest of the night. When they retired to Marty’s apartment together we found it difficult to survielle them further, but we assume nothing interesting happened inside in keeping with the theme of the night.
In closing, we’d like to ask our female office mates to please become more interesting people or, barring that, get a little sluttier so that people following you don’t waste two nights of their lives hoping that something interesting might happen.
Congratulations on Receiving an Unsatisfying Report!
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