Congratulations on Proving that Theater Lives!

Let’s face it, most people are about as enthusiastic about going to a playhouse to catch the most recent rendition of A Bold Stroke for a Wife as they are to get their rectum probed with a fiber optic cable. It’s usually unpleasant, culturally it’s slowly fading into irrelevance and artistically most of the shit that goes on on stage is pretty derivative.

But you love theater. You love it with the irrational passion that only a woman who is constantly on her period due to a bizarre genetic defect unique to you can muster. Once a man said he didn’t really care for The Rover near you and you curbed him right there with your freakish bitch strength.

But that sort of display, while impressive, doesn’t really win hearts and minds and it definitely doesn’t show nay-sayers that the medium you love so dearly is still relevant.

That’s why tonight you’re going to produce a show about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. You’ll call it “Poofiesburg,” and it’ll be done entirely with puppets and have a lot of serious racism in it.

In the play Osama Bin Laden and George W. Bush will conspire with Dick Cheney to blow up an oil drill in the Gulf. They’ll succeed and then use Fox News to pin it on Obama, who will counter their straw man arguments with incredible eloquence that can only come from the worst tradition of theatrical writing. And remember, all this will be executed using puppets and a single live actor who will portray The Loneliest Giant, a stand in for the average working American.

It will be met with rave reviews and vapid people the world over will applaud, cheering theater’s ability to oversimplify and misconstrue complicated events just as effectively as television or film. You’ll receive a massive grant from the Academy of Arts and Sciences, which you’ll immediate spend on making a version of the Vagina Monologues that stars only gay men who are dressed in full foam rubber vagina costumes that cover their entire bodies. It, too will be a hit.

Congratulations on Proving that Theater Lives!