Today and today only you’re the guy who decided just what should go into the Made for TV version of Die Hard. Regardless of who you were yesterday you are now, at time of reading, mere microseconds from being painfully rammed into the consciousness of another being who devised such clever euphamisms as “mother father” and did all he could to recodify the story of John McClane’s night of hell so that it could be presented to whatever Hollywood thinks Middle American audiences should be like.
A note to everyone involved in today’s exercise: don’t panic. The body you’ll be occupying has an extremely delicate condition. That said, we do hope it breaks a little today, the same way it does every day as you sit and look at what your lifetime hath wrought upon the earth. Today you’ll reflect on your achievements and realize that you’ve disappointed both parents by leaving a staggering amount of physical violence in the movie and children by removing any trace of the delightful foul language they love so dearly and replacing it with what you consider to be incredibly pithy bits of dialogue that actually sound like someone with G-rated Touretttes going off.
You’ll think back on how you tried to “clean up” a movie which is basically just about a man enduring hell and killing a huge number of people and the way you neutered what was an awesome film for an entire generation, forever marring their cinematic experience by diluting awesome and replacing it with suck in a concentrated effort to make a flavorless cultural paste that can be ingested by every man, woman and child without any disagreement. You’ll think back to that and wonder why you couldn’t have taken on movies like The Shawshank Redemption and Saving Private Ryan. Why couldn’t you have ruined some classics like Schindler’s List or 2001?
For better or worse your legacy will be limited to the film Die Hard, and as you sit in your easy chair taking a bite of hard tack, watching Everybody Loves Raymond, you’ll sigh to yourself and rub your arm, which is kind of tingling for some reason.
Congratulations on Disappointing Everyone!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment