Congratulations on Finding Out Who Has the Best Drugs!

New York City is a weird place. Even though drugs are everywhere in it, in the sewers and the subway stations and even inside of homeless people’s bodies, it’s kind of hard to find out where the best drugs are, especially if you’re new in town.

So when you roll into New York in your cowboy hat and big old boots and ask someone on the street where to find the best drugs he’ll look at you like you’re crazy.

“You a cop?” he’ll ask you, horrified at your forwardness.

“Nope. Just an American,” you’ll say, giving him a firm handshake just the way your daddy taught you.

That handshake will net you the name of this guy the first guy knows who sells awesome drugs. You’ll show up at his place with that chisel jaw and handshake the name of his best dealer out of him and so on and so fourth until you arrive at The Top.

You’ll know it’s The Top because it will be, quite literally, on the top of one of the tallest buildings in the city, way above where the cops can get their faggot ass helicopters, near where planes soar and where eagles make dreams take flight.

You’ll stride through the marble halls as if you belong there, and none of the men in suits or expensive prostitutes socializing there will question your presence. You’ll immediately seem like one of them, like you belong. You’ll shake hands, pick up drinks, even mix a few in one of the penthouse’s many bars, handing them off to attractive women and important men wherever due.

After weaving your way through these hallowed halls for what seems like a week (but will, in fact, be less than four days) you’ll finally arrive in a room with a red chaise lounge, a bed with a canopy and a grand piano. You’ll have arrived at the place in New York with the very best drugs.

A man in a velour robe will step out from behind a dressing curtain and give you a two finger salute.

“Can I help you, sir?” he’ll purr, smiling like he’s known you for years.

“You holding?” you’ll ask, scratching your buttocks.

“You a cop?” he’ll respond, running his hand across your cheek. You’ll shake your head and he’ll smile. “Prove it,” he’ll say, dropping the robe and exposing his half erect penis.

You’ll get to your knees and start working and before long you’ll be relaxing with him on his chaise lounge while he plays his grand piano, enjoying the best drugs in New York City, which is to say the best drugs in the whole wide world.

Congratulations on Finding Out Who Has the Best Drugs!