Congratulations on Reenacting the Events of Army of Darkness, Sort Of!

When you come to from your book-coma you’ll be in an unfamiliar waste. The landscape will be blasted, dotted by the husks of dying trees and stubborn grass, clutching to what little life remains in the ground. It’ll immediately look familiar, since, like any self-respecting occult scholar, you spent a lot of time watching every Bruce Campbell movie ever made before beginning your more literate research.

Almost on cue, a terrible flying beast will swoop towards you, jaws agape. However, since you won’t be traveling back in time in a shitkicking car with a shotgun in hand you’ll have nothing to fight off the devil beast.

Frustrated you’ll hurl a book at it, catching it in the face with a particularly thick (and entirely inappropriately filed) copy of Salman Rushdi’s The Satanic Verses and sending it tumbling to the ground. Filled with adrenaline, you’ll rush to the side of the beast and hammer various books into its skull until it finally gives way beneath you and you’re surrounded by hardcovers stained in black ichor.

While you’re sitting there panting a small group of soldiers will come upon you and ask you, in Olde English, if you’re alright and what’s up with all the books.

You won’t respond, instead choosing to stare into space, which will convince the soldiers that you’re a wizard and are key to defeating the darkness which assails their people.

What follows will be a series of events very similar to (but legally distinct from) the film Army of Darkness. We’d describe your incredible journey, but we don’t want to run afoul of any lawyers so we’ll just say that in addition to keeping your hand you’ll also not get laid and won’t be the hero, since you weigh ninety pounds and smoke constantly. Mostly you’ll just complain and stare at tits, which is fine by us.

After your lengthy struggle you’ll eventually be sent back home, covered in scars and slightly tougher from the lack of Playstation and cloves in the past, by drinking from a chalice and blacking out again.

Congratulations on Reenacting the Events of Army of Darkness, Sort Of!