Congratulations on Opening The Book!

We here at Sexy Results Future Agency support the institution that is the public library. After all, where else could we poop and shave after our significant others have kicked us out for sleeping with their sibling(s) and the local YMCAs have barred us from their facilities for repeated instances of sexual harassment? The library remains the ultimate bastion of egalitarian knowledge and humanizing facilities in the United States today, and studies show that those who genuinely support it are generally more attractive, smarter and poorer than other American citizens.

That’s why we highly recommend you trip to the library this Monday afternoon, even knowing what we know already.

When you walk through the door Gladys, the 27 year old hot librarian who already has an old lady librarian name, will give you a nod and you’ll nod back at her. You are what she refers to as a “non-homeless regular,” which is exactly what it sounds like and her favorite kind of customer to boot.

You’ll breeze past the public computers, spattered with a combination of pornography and right wing conspiracy theory websites, and roll right up on the occult section, of which the Woodstock Public Library has a staggering amount.

That’s right. You’re one those people. You know what we mean.

You’ll thumb through the titles for a long while, pulling out titles and authors whose names pique your interest or ring familiar in your mind. Before long you’ll have an impressive heap by your side, an uneven stack threading its way up to your knee, a pile that your spindly stick arms will have trouble lifting. When the time comes to find a quiet corner and sit with your Darkness™ you’ll stagger to the far side of the library and plop down in a chair, losing yourself in the array of books about religion, Alister Crowley’s culinary preferences and ways to make a primitive gambling determination system out of the inside of a horse’s testicle and some Red Zinger tea.

Eventually your hands will fall upon a book you don’t remember adding to the stack. Its cover will be soft and textured to the touch, a unique binding which will conjure deeply troubling thoughts for you. You’ll search the spine and cover, but there will be no title or author visible. The only real visible adornment will be a pentagram. Beneath it there will be a stain that looks vaguely like a face, but it’ll be hard to say just what it looks like. It’ll seem to shift every few seconds, as if it was deciding what its expression should be.

You won’t want to open it at first, but a few seconds touching it, becoming familiar with its texture, will make you curious. That curiosity will build as you stare at the stains, building into an overwhelming compulsion to crack the spine and swallow each and every word contained therein.

The urge will grow so great that you’ll do just that with all the ferocity of a teenager opening a CD’s plastic packaging, but to your dismay the pages will be blank. You’ll trace your fingers across the paper, noting its weight and texture, again off somehow, perhaps too heavy, and when you move your hand away you’ll see that your fingers have left little black trails wherever they touched, as if they were coated in ink.

When you look at them, though, they’ll be unblemished and perfectly manicured. You’ll bite your lip and press your palm to the page entirely, some part of your brain screaming against the act. It’s as if you already know how this will end, before the blackness takes your consciousness and a throaty laugh echoes in your ears, the last sensation you have before the empty dreamlessness of rest.

Congratulations on Opening The Book!