In this modern day of internet piracy and digital theft, it’s
tough to run security for a major American company. The way we see it, you can either become the
single best security firm in history and consider both heuristic methods of
addressing cybercrime as it emerges and psychological methods of eliminating
the motivation behind cybercrime, or you can pour money into a pit wherein you
consistently develop a set of strategies that result in pyrrhic victories, each
one eroding your already shrinking sales pool until your product is so inconvenient
to use when it’s distributed by you that users instead opt to steal it or
simply use a competitor’s product. The
first option is hard, and the second option is stupid, so you’re going to
choose a third, better, lazier option.
You’re going to replace all of your internet connections and
landlines with tin can phones.
Immediately, piracy of your product will go down two hundred
and thirty percent. Sales will also decrease,
but they’ll decrease in a way that makes your company seem edgy and hip, rather
than a way that makes you seem old and sad and out of touch. The end result?
More sales!
More boxed sales of your product, that is, which is a
morphing screensaver that changes into different kinds of flowers. You won’t touch digital markets at all, and
potential investors and outside security experts will have trouble even
contacting you to talk about your product, let alone finding a copy of it and
actually utilizing it. You’ll be
bankrupt within a year, and within two years you’ll be homeless. You’ve have the ignominious honor of
appearing on the cover of Wired as the “dumbest fucker of the year.” But at least you’ll have effectively
terminated cybercrime at your company!
Congratulations on Improving Your Company’s Digital
Security!
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