Congratulations on Convincing People Your Product Doesn't Make Them Gay!

The boardroom will be still.  You and the other executives will all be silent as your lady CEO stalks around the table, holding up an empty bottle of your product.

“This problem won’t fix itself,” she’ll mumble, punctuating the statement by plopping the bottle down in front of Glen, the gayest executive in the room.  “What are we going to do…Glen?”

Glen will lick his lips and say some bullshit about glitter, at which point the CEO will strike him with her “meeting hammer,” knocking him to the table and causing him to bleed profusely from the temple.

“Any opinions from someone who isn’t a total fuckwit?” she’ll ask.  The room will go silent.  “Let’s try going in descending order of witishness then.”

She’ll begin by pointing to the man next to you, who will stammer and shout something about karate and wrestling.  She’ll respond by making your co-worker press the tip of a lit match into forearm.  Next, she’ll ask the guy changing the water cool bottle, who will recommend promotional tanktops.  She’ll make him draw a dick on his own face and then allow him to leave the room crying.  Two more ideas will pass before she lands on you, the fifth least retarded person in the room.

“Why not be direct?” you’ll say.  “Just make a campaign where we rent billboards and magazine ads that read ‘Coconut water: doesn’t make you gay.’”

She’ll open her mouth to announce her carefully considered punishment for you, then close it.

“That isn’t the worst idea we’ve had today,” she’ll respond with measured caution.  “Could we imply other brands do make people gay?”

You’ll nod vigorously.  “Just start the sentence with ‘Our’ and remove the colon from the middle.”

She’ll clap her hands and reward you by fucking you on the meeting room table in front of the whole band of execs.  You’ll enjoy the attention, but the act of sex with a woman will gross you out, thanks to all the coconut water you’ve drunk over the course of your employment at The Company.

Oh well.  At least you did okay at work!

Congratulations on Convincing People Your Product Doesn’t Make Them Gay!