Congratulations Teddy Teaser!

Teddy has two meanings.  Sometimes, it means “a skimpy outfit that you flounce about in.”  In this case, a “teddy teaser” would be someone who uses a teddy to tease or incense a partner.

This isn’t that case.

In this case, “teddy” is being used as a diminutive term for a bear.  A grizzly bear!  A great big old grizzly bear.  A bear you found while wandering a trail in the Rocky Mountain foothills.  You’ll wave at the bear at first, then try to puff yourself up to look as big as possible.  You’ll then begin running towards the bear and shouting as loud as possible.

The bear will look nonplussed.  Not one to be ignored, you’ll continue to move forward, grabbing a stick from the side of the trail and increasing the volume of your screams.  The bear will continue to look unimpressed.

This will lead to a pattern of escalation which eventually will lead to you standing directly in front of the bear, shouting as loud as you can.  The bear will continue to look unimpressed right up until the moment it lifts its paw and slams it into your torso.  Your muscles will rip, your collarbone will snap, and you skin will tear, permitting blood to leak out willy-nilly.  You’ll try to stay on your feet, but you’ll begin to fade.

Luckily, the bear will be there to help you out.  He’ll swipe his other paw up and catch you in the lower torso, lifting you back up, off your feet.  This will collapse one of your lungs and leave you, gasping for air. Your chest will tighten and your breath will become a wheezing, defiant gesture.  You’ll drop to your knees, unassisted by the bear, where it will continue to, it might say, “lightly paw you” until you stop moving.

Then the bear will leave you, battered and bleeding on the ground, consciousness fading.  In your last seconds, you’ll wonder why you do things like this.  No answer will present itself.

Congratulations Teddy Teaser!