Congratulations on Making Crack Cookies!

As she’s packing her bags, you’ll be finishing up the last batch of cookies.  She’ll be screaming at you as she moves between rooms, collecting garments, knick knacks, what have yous.  Every scrap of her life she might even moderately care about will be inventoried and selected as she screams things like “enabler” and “fucking chode” at you at the top of her lungs.

You’ll do your best not to hear her.  This is the woman you love, and anything that conflicts with that isn’t something you want influencing the narrative of your romance, so you’ll have long ago conditioned your brain to omit “spurious” details, like the fact that she’s an addict, or the fact that she cries before, during, and after each sexual encounter with you.  Those details will be replaced by furtive evenings spent, in your mind, wandering the city, meeting new people and having adventures.  The reality is that these were evenings where she was trying to score that you spent trying to keep her from blowing anyone for drugs.

After packing has run its course, when she tries to leave, you’ll step in front of her with a plate of your freshly prepared cookies.  You’ll extend them out to her and say “Please, just have one of these before you go.  Something to remember me by.”

She’ll look at you cannily – her trust will have been burned off in previous relationships, and your inability to say no to her has convinced her that you aren’t the person who can protect her from herself.  But what’s the harm in a cookie? the small, stupid part of her brain will say, the most powerful part in every human’s brain.  So she’ll take the cookie, take a bite and announce:

“These taste funny.”

Then she’ll calm down.  Twenty minutes later, she’ll perk up when the crack in the cookies kicks in.  She’ll know exactly what’s going on, but she’ll want more cookies.  So many more cookies.  Cookies you’ll refuse to give her if she leaves.  So she’ll do what she knows.  She’ll rip off your pants and begin blowing you with a fervor and passion that she’s never blown you before.  Then, performing oral sex on you to completion and swallowing what remains, she’ll lean back and pass out.

You’ll carry her to the bed the two of you share and deposit her there, sprawled on her back, staring up at the ceiling.  You’ll give her a kiss on the forehead and set the plate of cookies on the bedstand beside her, just in case she wants some more crack in the night.

Congratulations on Making Crack Cookies!