Today you’re going to be out at some shithole bar in LA and
you’re going to run into a young woman absolutely covered in tattoos. You’ll accidentally bump into her, spilling
her drink on the floor and, miracle of miracles, you’ll apologize.
“Oh god,” you’ll say.
“I’m so sorry.”
She’ll shrug and look at you like you’re just another member
of a long line of men that have disappointed her stretching all the way back to
her father, but a lady being disappointed in you is your comfort zone, so you’ll
be unphased. Instead of hemming and
hawing or staring at her chest (which the arcing tattoos above it will beg you
to do) you’ll just smile and ask:
“What were you drinking?
I’ll get you another one.”
This simple human gesture will be something she’s totally
unprepared for. When she responds “Harvey
Wallbanger, ironically,” and you ask her “How do you drink ironically?” she’ll
actually laugh. And when you finish
getting her order from the bar and drop it off at her table she’ll invite you
to sit down with her friends.
They’ll be remarkable attractive people with a kind of
approachable bent to them. When you ask
if it’s alright for your friends to join them they’ll all look to the girl you
bumped into and when she nods they’ll blanche a little. She’ll shrug at the one closest to her and
mutter something into her ear.
Once your friends arrive, one of them will ask, quite directly,
“Are you Scarlett Pain?” One of the girl
you bumped into’s friends will roll her eyes and reply “Sometimes.” Everyone at the table will be uncomfortable
for a moment, until you and the girl you bumped into get back to talking about
Asian horror movies. She’ll vehemently
believe that Korean horror movies are the best.
You’ll insist that Japanese movies are better. She’ll repeatedly inform you that that’s
bullshit and, four drinks further into the night, you’ll catch her leaning
against you while you talk about your favorite Clive Barker books.
As you’re leaving the bar one of your friends will grab you
by the arm and tell you that the girl you’ve been talking to is named Jessie
something. You’ll pat him on the arm and
tell him okay, that you just plan to drive her home be a gentleman. He’ll act like you’re committing some grievous
offense by dismissing the possibility of date raping an attractive young woman,
so you’ll try to leave a little faster to avoid flipping out on him.
When you get the girl you bumped into to her house, she’ll
smile at you and tell you: “I think you might be too drunk to drive any more.” When you ask her what she means she’ll kiss
you and say: “I usually don’t fuck nice guys.
I think I’d like to try this.”
She’ll be close to right about the “too drunk to drive” bit,
and it will have been a while. She’ll be
pretty, quite pretty, and her tongue moving on yours will be strangely
unalloyed. You’ll give in and let her
unbuckle your seat belt before backing off just long enough to get you out of
your car and to her door. When she drags
you inside it will be from the back of your neck. When she brings you to her bedroom, she’ll
seem suddenly shy. It’ll be almost
heartbreaking when she asks you to turn around, but the feeling of her hands on
your back when she brings you to see her again will be superlative.
The motions of sex will come cautiously, more cautiously
than they’ve ever been delivered to you before.
“I usually don’t do this,” she’ll breathe into your ear, and
you’ll believe her. Each awkward thrust
and ungainly movement will make it seem like this is a more vulnerable act than
anything she’s done on camera. When the
two of you finish, she’ll wrap herself around you and begin lightly snoring
into your neck. It will be endearing,
but the sex will have been serviceable at best, a lackluster pabulum of drunk
sex. You’ll look at the girl you bumped
into in the dark, with the lights down and smell her hair. She’ll use Fructis, just like your ex used
to. You’ll lazily think about the two
women together until exhaustion and alcohol finally catch up with you and you
drift off to sleep somewhere close to three in the morning.
Congratulations on Fucking a Porn Star!
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