Congratulations Blinking Contest Winner!

Staring contests are just about standing still.  Fuck that! Today you’re in a blinking contest!

Blink.

Now keep blinking.

Blink harder!

Hard as you can!  Fast as you can!

Good!  Keep going!

As you blink and blink and blink some more, a rhythm will take over your body.  Your eyes will begin to ache, your nose will bleed a little.  Your opponents will start to drop, one by one, blood spurting from their eyes as they fall to the ground and moan.  After nearly three hours of listening to the directions we reproduced above, the ones your angry Russian coach gave you over the course of several months, you’ll be the only one left blinking.  You’ll keep going, out of a combination of anxiety and muscle memory, until the Japanese announcer for the contest shouts.

“BULINKEROO, STOPUH!”

You’ll let your eyes close, finally, then open them, slowly.  Your mother will be staring at you, her eyes welling with tears.  Thanks to your hard work and persistent blinking, she won’t die today.  Also, you’ll both receive healthcare.  Obama’s reforms aren’t as thorough as they could be, sure, and we all wish we could have a single payer option in place still, but if pre-existing conditions are no longer grounds for disqualification and you can blink your way into a decent coverage plan, then it wasn’t all for naught.  You, and your actions today, stand as proof of that.

Congratulations Blinking Contest Winner!