Congratulations on Improving Your Pick-Up Game!

When she sees you at the bar she won’t bother giving you a second look.  That’ll be all the encouragement you need to walk up to her, slam a shot in front of her and say:

“You’d better do this with me so someone gets drunk enough to fuck you tonight.”

She’ll respond by throwing it in your face.  You’ll take your shot anyway and wave goodbye to her with a quick “Good luck, sister.”

She won’t respond.

She won’t respond for another hour or two, when she’ll come by your table with a pair of shots and say “Hey fuckface, drink this you fucking piece of shit.”  Then she’ll slam it down in front of you and take a shot of her own.

Twenty minutes later you’ll be on the subway home together, making out like bandits who can’t keep their hands off one another.  When you get to your apartment, she’ll calmly inform you that you aren’t getting laid tonight.  You’ll internally review the contents of the PUA guide you used to get this far in your head but, like most PUA advice, it’ll be worthless bullshit.

So instead of enacting some ill conceived plan you got from spineless sociopath you’re going to have a young woman reach into your pants and start tugging on your penis.  It’ll be an angry, abrasive sort of tug that will end with a brief, painful ejaculation.  When she finishes you off, she’ll hit you in the face with your own shoe, partly because you didn’t warn her you were about to come, partly because she doesn’t like you very much.

But since this is still the most successful sexual adventure you’ve had in months, you’ll interpret your modest success (an angry handjob) and the behavior that lead up to it (being a total piece of shit) as a viable means by which to pick up women.

That means you’ll be trying this strategy again in the weeks to come.  It’ll be bad, but the fact that you have health insurance means it won’t be as bad as it could be.  We’d recommend trying to just be yourself, but that’s really not likely to help you out here if we’re being totally honest.

Congratulations on Improving Your Pick-Up Game!