Congratulations on Getting Too Excited About the New Die Hard Movie!

“Fuckin’ JOHN MCCLANE!” you’ll shout as you enter the office.  You’ll spike your motorcycle helmet on the ground and let out a “WOO!” sound before shouting “NAKATOMI PLAZA!”  Everyone in the office will do their best not to look at you.

You’ll leave your helmet on the ground and hurry to your cubicle, where you’ll sit down and start watching trailers for A Good Day to Die Hard, opening February 14^th in theaters throughout America.  Since there aren’t that many, you’ll be finished in around fifteen minutes, but you’ll keep watching them, frothing at the mouth, audibly panting with as each explosion unfolds, until that dipshit Gary from HR comes to your cube and puts his hand on your shoulder.

“We have to talk, Ben,” he’ll murmur.

“Fuckin’ commie,” you’ll mutter under your breath.  Gary will clearly hear you, but he’ll just roll his eyes as he picks you up by the arm and leads all one hundred and twenty pounds of you down the hall to his office.  He’ll all but throw you into the chair opposite his desk and sit down heavily, resigned.

“Ben, you’re fired,” he’ll fire off immediately.

“Fuck you,” you’ll reply, throwing back a bottle of aspirin you filled with skittles earlier in the day and crunching them between your back molars.

“Ben, I can’t save you this time.”  He’ll be on the verge of tears when he says it.  He’ll cram his face into his hands and start shaking there in front of you, snot trailing down between his fingers.  “You beautiful fuck, you went too far.”

You’ll sit and stare at him for a minute.  Then your inner John McClane will take over and you’ll stand up from your chair and nod at him.

“I know someone put you up to this.  And I’m gonna find out who,” you’ll grumble.  Then you’ll stomp out of the office, barely pausing to pick up your motorcycle helmet (John McClane cares about cycling safety).  As you wait for the elevator you’ll catch sight of Gary watching you from the edge of the hallway.  Tears will be dribbling down his face as he stares at you.

“God speed, you beautiful fuck,” he’ll murmur.  Then he’ll wait in silence until the elevator arrives and you ride down to the parking garage, where you’ll proceed to ride your motorcycle home to your mom’s house, where cocoa will be waiting for you, along with a copy of Die Hard in your Blu Ray player.  You’ll watch it again and again, occasionally pausing it and holding up polaroids of people from your job next to the screen to see if they look like Hans Gruber.  None of them will.

Congratulations on Getting Too Excited About the New Die Hard Movie!