Congratulations on Getting to Do Butt Stuff!

Craigslist is a place one can go to find things.  Things like couches and coffee tables.  Things like new friends and activity partners.  And things like penises that go into places and, sometimes, places for penises to go into.

Tonight you’re going to respond to an add for “help moving a couch,” Craigslist code for sex with a man on a couch while it’s on an open air flat bed truck travelling through central Chicago.  You’ll arrive early, wearing the balaclava mask that he requested, holding a grocery bag full of condoms and sample size packets of lube.  He’ll be wearing a gorilla mask and be holding a tarp.

“For the sex stuff,” he’ll explain as he introduces you to Maurice, a sunglass clad black man in his mid-fifties who hard times will have pressed into service as your weird-sex-chaperone.  After a quick exchange of waivers and some light notary work by Maurice (he’s had an interesting life) you’ll be on the back of the truck jerking each other off while the cityscape whirls by.  After about twenty minutes you’ll turn to him and admit, tersely, that you’ve never been inside of a man’s ass before, nor have you ever been penetrated by a man in your own ass.

“Aww,” the man will say, stroking your face gently with a lube soaked hand.  “Don’t worry about it,” he’ll murmur before he pushes you down on all fours and rams three of his fingers into your asshole.  He’ll gauge it out but good and then slip his weird, crooked dick in there, where he’ll pound you for several minutes before screaming a woman’s name as loud as he can and collapsing on top of you as he ejaculates.  He’ll be laying there on your back as you weep from the pain of being violently penetrated.  You’ll consider asking him to roll off you so you can take a turn on his butthole but, as you feel his penis shrinking inside you, you’ll realize that something not offered is, in a sense, cheap.  You’ll resolve to head home, shame shower, and then get back out there to find Mister or Miss Right, wherein Mister or Miss Right is someone who will let you put your junk in their trunk.  Not the other way around.  It’ll be the start of a new era in your life, one centered almost entirely around doing butt stuff to people and not having it done to you.

Congratulations on Getting to Do Butt Stuff!