Congratulations on Discovering That Your Cat Can Talk!

Today you’re going to be watching TV and, midway through your fifth episode of Gossip Girl of the day, you’re going to hear your cat murmur “This show sucks.”

“HOLY SHIT YOU CAN TALK!” you’ll shout, hurling the TV remote at your feline companion as it flees from you, meowing furiously.

It’ll take an hour and a half and treats to lure her back to the TV room, and a lot of duct tape to tie her down, and a shitload of Bactine to wash out your catch scratches.  But when you’re finished your cat will be stationary and forced to converse with you.

“Say something new,” you’ll murmur at your cat, who will mew desperately in protest.  “Newer,” you’ll request, but your cat won’t respond.

You’ll try a bunch of different TV shows to see if you can make your cat say anything.  You’ll try to put peanut butter on her snout to get her to look like she’s talking while she tries to lick it off, but it turns out that only works for dogs and horses.  You’ll even leave a copy of Malcolm Gladwell’s outliers near her and then stop by and try to discuss it with her later.  Nothing will work!

Later, while talking to your mom she’ll offhandedly mention that people in your family tend to develop schizophrenia at a certain age, and that you’ve hit it.  So you’re gonna be hallucinating a lot from here on out.

“Seriously, mom?” you’ll mumble.  She’ll assure you that yes, indeed, you probably didn’t hear your cat speak and it’s far more likely that you dreamt it.

Sighing, you’ll let your cat loose.  She’ll run away as soon as the last piece of duct tape is pulled from her leg, along with a bunch of her fur, to run out of the window and tell a bunch of other talking cats in the neighborhood how she almost slipped up.   They’ll have a good laugh and decide to get back at you by switching out your antipsychotic medication with LSD over the months to come.

Congratulations on Discovering that Your Cat Can Talk!