Congratulations, Your Dog is Smarter than You!

Usually we’d say this to someone who is profoundly retarded.  But it turns out your dog escaped from a lab, like in that terrible Watcher book by Dean Koontz, and he’s actually a super-genius Golden Retriever who loves kids, Frisbees, computer programming and bleeding edge mathematical proofs.  It’s not that you’re a particularly smart person.  You’re not, by any means.  You haven’t paid taxes in years, you make really poorly thought out comments about pop culture in public places as loud as you can and you insist on having sex without a condom whenever you visit a sex worker.   Most of the time the sex workers just charge you for their time and then leave you tied to the bed.  One time, it actually worked out.  Sort of.

Anyhow, today you’re going to adopt this dog from a rescue shelter.  He’ll be covered in cigarette burns and lesions from god only knows what, and he’ll be desperate to be loved.  Within a week of moving into your apartment he’ll figure out how to open the door to let himself out, work the vacuum and use your computer when you’re not at home.  Within two weeks he’ll have sorted out your situation with the IRS.  In four weeks, he’ll have concocted a homemade cure for your rare, incredibly effusive strain of herpes and trick you into drinking it, believing it’s a glass of delicious whiskey.

You’ll call him Marbles, and you’ll think he’s the best dog ever.

This is going to just run like gangbusters for you for about three months, until the government agency that created “Marbles” gets the funding it needs to start tracking him down and “Marbles” has to trick you into going on the run with him.  He’ll concoct an entirely plausible story about you having an unplanned pregnancy with the aforementioned prostitute who gave you that rare strain of herpes in order to get you to do so, proving that the majority of people who are dumber than their dogs are rightly horrified of being fathers, but that they’re still okay dog owners who don’t abuse animals.

Congratulations, Your Dog is Smarter than You!