Congratulations Pumpkinman!

Pumpkin heads aren’t too unusual.  They’re quite common in certain settings, actually.  We can see a pumpkin headed man and think “Hey, maybe he’s okay.  Maybe he’s a decent guy who works hard and smokes hand rolled cigarettes and sometimes makes racist comments but whaddyagunnado his brain is full of pumpkinseeds!”

But let’s say, for a second, that you piss off a warlock.  Let’s say he’s your neighbor and you built a fence a full foot into his yard.  Let’s say you did this after he told you specifically not to.  Let’s say you refuse to take the fence down.  Well, then you might end up not just having a pumpkin head, like some of the more dickish but still affable people in your neighborhood, but a body composed entirely of pumpkins.

Your head will, of course, be a jack-o-lantern style pumpkin that makes facial expressions and stuff.  That’ll be pretty normal.  But the rest of your body will consist of a series of interlocking gourds of various size and shape that grind against one another in a profoundly painful way.  The more dramatic the motion, the more profound the pain.

Walking will be manageable.  If you just move your legs, only your legs grind against one another, and the pain, while profound, will be manageable.  Some chores, like raking the yard or shoveling things, will be pretty bad because of your back and arms, but they’ll be do-able.  Working as a prep cook wouldn’t be a bad idea, especially since it would keep you out of sight.

But anything that involves bending, scraping, grasping, lifting – anything that involves any kind of whole body movement sends you into a cascade of agony as your pumpkins twist against one another and the pain convulses you into new forms, forms that further contort your hideous countenance into a set of horrible spasms beyond reckoning wherein each spasm rocks your all too human nerves and shivers you into a new contortion that inflicts new pains that you cannot adjust to until you mercifully lose consciousness and awake hours later in a prone position, usually more or less straightened out.

This means you will no longer be able to, say, sit.  Except maybe on a stool.

You’ve got a few options here.  You’re obviously incapable of taking the fence down in your current state, but you could hire a contractor to do it.  Or you could just apologize to the fucking warlock.

That might be a good idea.

Congratulations Pumpkinman!