Congratulations on Strangling Your Father!

Sometimes you kill your dad because you want to fuck your mom.  Sometimes you kill your dad because you want to fuck your sister.  Sometimes you kill your dad so you can inherit the wealth he stashed away during the 1960s when Nazis used him to safeguard their gold so Jews wouldn’t take it from their burning corpses after impromptu war crimes trials conducted in the depths of the Argentinean wilds.

Your situation is a lot simpler.

Your dad drinks way too much and likes to smoke crack.  Sometimes after he smokes crack he gets violent.  Tonight is going to be one of the nights where he gets violent and, right in the middle of you watching Seinfeld on DVD, he’ll burst into your basement room/laundry room combo and come at you with a hammer.  He’ll catch you on the foot (he’ll be incredibly high on crack) and then tumble to the ground, screaming about something incoherently (he’ll believe that it’s about Jennifer Aniston).

He’ll struggle to get up, coming at you again and again with the hammer until you punch him in the fist and he drops it.  Then he’ll try to wrap his hands around your throat.  The crack will give him strength, but the years of using will have worn his muscles down.  He’ll struggle to get his hands around your windpipe, squeezing with just enough force to interrupt the flow of oxygen.  You’ll have no choice.  You’ll have to grab his throat and start pressing him towards unconsciousness.  But the chemicals in his brain will be screaming.  They’ll keep it from turning off without oxygen, keep it from shutting down.  It’ll make his nerves scream FIGHT.  LIVE.  STRUGGLE.  KILL.  RAGE.

It will scream until the lights go dark, fall off and he slumps down in between your hands and stops, once and for all, breathing.

You won’t realize what’s happened until he’s long gone, totally out of it.  Spittle will dribble down his cheek and his clothes will suddenly begin to smell a little worse than they already did – no mean feat.  When you put your hand in front of his mouth and no longer feel any breath you’ll know just what’s happened.

You’ll calmly set his head down on the floor and call 9-1-1, telling them what’s happened.  The operator, when she finally tells you she’s sending someone, will put you on hold.  You’ll listen to the hold music rehearsing your story.  It will be the truth, but you know that doesn’t necessarily mean much in situations like yours.

Congratulations on Strangling Your Father!