Congratulations Man Who Just Woke Up from a Coma that Started in the Mid-Nineties!

You’ll awake to the sound of your own heart rate monitor steadily pacing out a beep beep beep.  You’ll awake without knowledge or memory of where you were or what you were doing, just the vague impression that you should be worried about someone named Gary leaping at your head from a trampoline to swing a chair at your head.

You’ll mumble his name, “Gary,” as you try to swing your legs out of the bed to the floor, but the blankets wrapped around them will still your movement.  You’ll struggle against them but your legs, so atrophied from lack of use, will be worthless against their cloth restraints.  You’ll just lay there, furious, until a nurse finally comes in to check on you and discovers that you’ve been awake for three maddening hours, alone and without even the barest form of entertainment.

Later, you’ll hear the full story of what happened: how your friendly Wrestlemania re-enactment went awry, how you’ve been in a coma since 1996 and how this one nurse totally used you for sex and then got fired.  Then a social worker from the hospital will start going over how to help you put together the shattered pieces of your life.  Your friends will have long since forgotten you.   Your parents will be dead.  You’ll be a forty year old man who still loves wrestling and has latent homosexual tendencies that, had you been awake for the last decade and a half, you might’ve come to terms with that will still be very repressed in their current state.

You’ll beseech your social worker to tell you more about contemporary WWF wrestling.  He’ll calmly explain to you that for copyright reasons the WWF is now just the World Wildlife Federation and that wrestling now occurs within the purview of World Wrestling Entertainment, and that many wrestlers are now “out,” unlike previous wrestling virtuousos.

You’ll be dumbstruck at this last fact.  He’ll explain to you that wrestling, in addition to being good clean fun, constitutes a sort of gay softcore porn.

“The same way that Women’s Basketball is gay softcore porn.”

This will lead to another lengthy explanation of the nature of women’s basketball and its rise to prominence over the last decade and a half.  By the end your head will be reeling, you’ll no longer be wondering about your future or your ability to work at Arby’s again.  You’ll just be obsessively remembering the flutter in your heart that emerged each time you saw HHH on screen.  You’ll wonder, for the first time, what it really meant.

Congratulations Man Who Just Woke Up from a Coma that Started in the Mid-Nineties!