Mascots are often terrifying, but you, as the mascot of stem
cell research, are exceptionally nightmare inducing. It's not that you don't celebrate good
deeds. Your cause has saved millions of
lives already, and it'll save countless more in the years to come. To call it "good" is an
understatement - you're the embodiment of a cause that could, one day, erase
illness, and perhaps even death, from the human experience.
But the problem is that you, as the mascot, had to look like
something that made people think of stem cells.
And given the amount your marketing department drinks and the raw,
misplaced hatred that the people who research and employ you in their work
endure on a daily basis, there really aren't that many people who can speak
authoritatively about what a stem cell should look like in order for it to
appropriately represent the awesome potential of the emerging medical
technology. So instead of trying to
figure out how you could represent stem cell technology responsibly and
accurately, your boss, that alcoholic head of the marketing department, just
looked at the first ten hits on Google image for "stem cell research"
and told the marketing department to "make it look like a fetus or some
shit."
They did just that.
Your costume, which you will wear proudly, noble mascot that
you are, will resemble a mass of twisted flesh with partially formed eyes,
blinking sightlessly out at the world.
Your mouth will be a bound gash that never learned to open, your ears a
pair of buds. You will, for all the good
ideas and deeds you represent, look absolutely horrifying.
Still, if you dance violently enough, people will probably
end up going with it, so twerk like you've never twerked before, enjoy the conference, and hope for
the best!
Congratulations Stem Cell Research Mascot!
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