The moment your fork touches glass everyone in the room will
wince. It won't be that your tapping was
particularly loud or irritating, it'll be that you're the one who's tapping
that glass, the one who is inviting herself to make a toast. Still, the room will quiet down
respectfully. After all, this occasion,
and it is quite an occasion, is open to everyone, and if there's one thing your
sister never stops saying about you, it's that she loves you, and that you deserve
the same shot at redemption that everyone else in the world gets, no matter how
many times you blow previous shots at redemption in the back of cabs on the way
home like so many previous sister's fiancés.
So when you open your mouth she'll still be beaming at you,
even as everyone else looks at one another, rolling their eyes preemptively. When you start talking about love and family
and memories, they'll feel a little shitty, but it won't last long. Three sentences in, you'll have already begun
the pitch for the scarves you make on Etsy that prominently feature whales from
popular culture doing the tricks they're famous for, and before long everyone
will start to feel pretty redeemed. Once
you get to the price listings for your scarves, taking care to announce that a
number of limited edition (and ergo more expensive) scarves are currently on
sale commemorating this joyous occasion, even your sister will look
crestfallen. She'll be so upset that
she'll push back her chair with a loud scrape and run away from the table to go
cry in the Women's bathroom, just like she always does.
It'll take all your focus to finish up your pitch, but when
you're done the faint applause you hear will let you know you did good - even
if you don't sell one scarf tonight, even if your sister doesn't talk to you
for two or three years, even if only your insufferable bipolar mother still
talks to you after tonight, you'll know you did good, that you did what was
right, and that you really made your sister's day a special one by making sure
that people knew they could buy scarves you made on the internet to commemorate
her special day, and how special you are every day.
Congratulations on Ruining Your Sister's Wedding!
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