Congratulations, Your Mom is a Lesbian!

The first hint was the Subaru. Sure, there’s been some heterosexual sex in it in the past, but that’s just something that happens in the backseat of cars, the same way any car parked under an overpass will become fertile ground for an orgy of homeless old men grinding and bumping and grunting their hearts out. Even if you got a handy in it, that Subaru is still the gayest thing on wheels since someone painted a version of the General Lee pink back in the day.

So today when you walk in on your mom nose deep in the letter carrier’s pussy you really won’t have any reason to be that surprised. Sure, her not fucking your dad for the past six years isn’t really a giveaway given the state of marriage in America, but no straight woman likes bowling that much. No straight woman has that many roller derby bumperstickers on her car. And no straight woman would have insisted that you get the ESPN package on your cable service.

So while dropping the milk is totally justifiable, since you’re going to be walking in on your mom having sex, which is totally fucked up and gross (we actually think it’s hot, but it’s your mom so the rules don’t apply to you) you can’t really act too shocked that she’s a lesbian.

We’d recommend that, instead of freaking out you just walk back outside, wait on the porch and then talk to her about discretion in the future so that you don’t have to see her eating pussy as long as you still live with her. Remind her that college is coming soon for you and that you won’t be around all the time in just a few short months, at which point she can fuck whoever she wants on the surfaces you used to eat on.

If you play your cards right you’ll probably end up getting a shitty car as a going away gift for being so cool, since your mom is totally the bread-winner in your family (another sign).

Congratulations, Your Mom Is a Lesbian!