Congratulations Aggressive Lover!

You’re very aggressive in bed, which some people really like. Some people. Not everyone.

For example, when you shove the dildo you always carry into people’s butts without asking, some people like that. They’re all porn stars, and it’s because their rectum has been gauged by penises that are freakishly large and possessed of chemically induced boners.

But the majority of people respond to having a foreign object crammed up their butt hole with surprise, shock, distress and a feeling of betrayal. Also tremendous pain as soft tissues tear and blood rushes out to lubricate the passage of the foreign object into their colon.

Today you’re going to be sleeping with one of those people in a completely unconventional way.

You’ll have met her in a bar in downtown Seattle. “I see myself as being pretty GGG,” she’ll declare while looking at you slyly, to which you’ll honestly respond:

“I’m not sure what that means.”

She’ll laugh and think you’re kidding, inviting you back to her place for additional drinks and bareback sex. Smiling, she’ll lure you into her bedroom and start working your “downstairs business,” taking care to lubricate the entire area thoroughly. Then the two of you will start having sex.

“THIS IS FANTASTIC,” you’ll shout, because as an aggressive person you declare everything loudly. She’ll grunt.

“Try my ass,” she’ll mumble into her pillow. If you were more perceptive you would notice that she really wasn’t into it, but you won’t be. Otherwise we wouldn’t be writing this.

Smiling, you’ll remove your un-lubricated dildo from your bag and press it against her pooper.

“Whoa!” she’ll shout. “I meant your dick.”

“Oh,” you’ll say, suddenly getting the whole concept of buttsex for the first time. “Oh!”

You’ll remove your still-slick penis from her vagina and ram it right up her asshole, grunting with the effort. She’ll make her first affirmation of pleasure for the entire day and smile up at you. “Good job,” she’ll say, stretching our her body luxuriously.

You’ll thrust tentatively at first, probing the new experience, and she’ll love it. But after a few minutes of careful pacing and self-reflection you’ll start back on your rhythm-less, punishing take on thrusting a penis into a hole.

“Stop that,” she’ll say, grunting with your exertions. You’ll think she’s role-playing and just starting forcing your junk into her more and more erratic and forcefully. After a few seconds she’ll clench her asshole tight, and when you attempt to withdraw you’ll yank your penis, resulting in intense pain.

“AGH!” you’ll shout. You’ll try to draw out, and suddenly realize your predicament.

“Pull out of me,” she’ll tell you, looking you in the eye. “Slowly.”

You’ll do so, wincing with the effort.

“Get the fuck out of my apartment,” she’ll say, refusing to make eye contact with you. You’ll do so, quietly, shamefully, realizing for the first time just how miserably bad at sex you are. As you shuffle out the door she’ll shake her head at you and you, still feeling the effects of torque on your penis, will reflect on what it really means to be hurt during sex, and whether or not having a sand-paper like penis really justifies your constant bragging about your sexual prowess, despite your lack of any repeat customers during your decade of sexual activity.

Congratulations Aggressive Lover!