Congratulations Last Remaining koRn Fan!

Anyone who was an angry young man in the mid 90s remembers the band koRn, which featured be-dreadlocked white dudes screaming about their impotent rage and how tough it is to be a young white man in America.  But did you know that koRn is still a band?  We didn't, but we know you did, because you're the last koRn fan, and today you're finally going to get over your koRn fandom.

It isn't your fault.  Young white men, by merit of growing up inside of a veil of invisible privilege, tend to develop a kind of narrow perspective that values their own viewpoint over that of others, so you didn't know that music didn't have to be atonal, guttural screaming about non-specific problems and perceived slights and social anxieties.  You didn't know that hip-hop was a thing.

But today you are going to, for the first time, hear the dulcet tones of NWA.  You'll hop on the Youtube and start googling "Rap Music," at which point you'll discover a catalog of hits dating back to the eighties, hits that present a wider perspective, a viewpoint that permits experiences other than yours, that permits real problems, real rage that emerges from foul, dehumanizing treatment, the kind of treatment that rends men's souls from their hearts.  You will, in a day, come to understand why koRn isn't the universal hit machine that you always thought it should be.  You'll understand what it is to be part of a silent majority oppressing others, and you'll understand that koRn, with their rap-rocking, has never known this, has never known real pain or real rage.

You'll be left with two courses on action: brief self-lobotomy, or the destruction of all your koRn CDs.

You'll make the right choice: you'll break out the barbecue and your ancient CD jackets.  You'll place the discs on the grill one by one, turning each of them over carefully to make sure every inch of optical material has been seared beyond readability.  When you're done, you'll place each disc on top of a cinder block and hit it with a hammer until each one shatters.  Then you'll sweep what's left into a dustpan and dump it into a wastebasket.

Later that night, while listening to The Coup, you'll make a donation to the NAACP.  It'll be a good start, a good first step down a better path.

Congratulations Last Remaining koRn Fan!