Congratulations Animated Donkey!

Most donkeys live simple lives, lives dedicated to eating carrots and having donkey fun.  Some donkeys make it to the stage, but most of those donkeys are just part of novelty sex shows in areas with, at best, lax laws protecting animals from being forced to have sex with animals.  The fact that you made it as far as you did in the world, as not just a donkey but a donkey celebrity, without ever having sex in public is, in light of this, kind of astounding.

Sure, you set race relations back decades with your stereotypical Eddie Murphy impression, and you're the most grating part of an infuriating series of films that exploit the worst aspects of youth-cinema to make a product that "hits all the right buttons" while "being just off enough to be offensive to anyone paying attention."  But it's hard to feel too bad about that from a Beverly Hills mansion, am we right? 

We're right, don't worry.

But despite all this success, people hate you.  Even inside your literal ivory tower, installed on your property by a crew of industrious, blindfolded workers who couldn't see you, let alone judge you for being a talking donkey, you still feel the hate floating towards you, psionically.  The fact that you have a Google alert set to "that fucking donkey from the Shrek movies" doesn't help, either.

When one engages with that level of ire, there are really only two courses one can take.  You can move on a path of relentless self-improvement and try to do as much good in the world as possible, to become the best person, the best possible version of yourself that you can be.  Or you can fall into a haze of drugs so deep and rich that you'll never awake.

You chose the latter.

It's been pretty good to you so far.  The royalty checks mean you almost never have to leave your home.  You do a lot of heroin and spend a lot of time napping between doing heroin, which usually knocks you right out.  But lately you've needed more and more heroin to feel it working, which means you've been doing more and more heroin.  It's part of a cycle that can't end well, and today, it's finally going to end for you when you overdose on heroin in a field behind your home.

Headlines celebrating your death will range in tastefulness from "Film Donkey Dies Chasing White Pony" to "CROWDS REJOICE AS FUCKING DONKEY FINALLY DIES."  Luckily, you won't have Google where you're going (Donkey Hell) so you won't have to read the horrible, true things people will say about you during your un-life, lucky you.  They'll be pretty rotten.

Congratulations Animated Donkey!