Congratulations Wild Eyed Youngster!

Ah, youth!  Youth is such sweet substance, whether you're watching it have sex for money on the internet or furtively enjoying it without realizing just how terrible life is going to get in the near future, everyone loves youth.  But some people really don't use it right.

You are one of those people.

Today you're going to turn all that around, though.  Today, after decades in the wilderness, you're going to awkwardly walk into a general store, following a trail of strange odors from the strange black path near the tree you live inside of.  Once in the general store, a group of men will surround you and begin speaking in tongues, uttering strange phrases like, "Who are you?" and "What happened to you?" and "Do you need help?"  You'll try to claw at them, which will force them to restrain you until the police arrive.

In police custody, they'll discover, after looking through microfiche in the library, that you strongly resemble a young girl who was presumed dead after her parents died in a plane crash in the woods several decades ago.  The police officers will, after getting in touch with a local primatologist, come up with a rudimentary means of speaking with you over the course of the next three months.  Once you're capable of communication with other sentient beings, you'll be able to tell your new hu-man friends where you live, and all about the strange steel mother that you remember waking up underneath.

The police, working off your directions, will inspect the area and discover the corpses of your parents who, as it turns out, were eccentric billionaires.  DNA testing will prove that you're their daughter and eligible to claim your inheritance: a controlling share in Universal Pictures, and a bunch of money and property in central California.  Over the next few months, you'll learn the basics of the movie business, some of the English language, and how to build structures out of canvas, rope, and nearby trees.  You'll strike up a relationship with Channing Tatum, whose muscular build and gentle face will sooth you during your many "fear tantrums," and will usher in a period of unparalleled success at Universal, as they shift from producing whatever the fuck they're producing now, to producing movies that speak to the primal id of mankind: that is to say, movies with long focus shots on fires and deep male and female voices speaking guttural, atonal languages in words from no language in human society that will, despite their obtuse origin, resonate profoundly in the minds of viewers worldwide.

Congratulations Wild Eyed Youngster!