White people sometimes wear dreadlocks as a fashion
statement. It's fair to say that these
people aren't always idiots, but they're usually idiots, cut from the same
cloth as dumbfucks who wear crosses as a fashion statement, pretending that
they don't retain their religious context in the process. Of course that context is still a part of the
symbol, but these people, foul wannabe iconoclasts that they are, are trying to
invent a world where they can arbitrarily introduce or remove meaning from
things, these people are worse than Hitler in your mind.
When you decided to dread your hair, it wasn't to make a
fashion statement. You dreaded your hair
to represent your dedication to Jah, your dedication to the nation of Babylon
or whatever. We don't really understand
the ins and out of Rastafarianism, but you do.
Which is why you, as a white dude, are something of an enigma, because a
big part of the militant Rastafarian belief system is that white people are the
devil, and that the world would be much much better without them on it.
Today you're going to take that to heart. After a long talk with your Rasta priest,
Craig, you'll decide to take your own life.
You'll do so by stabbing yourself repeatedly while shouting "Aye ree!"
at no one in particular until you bleed to death. An audience consisting mostly of other
Rastafarians and irritated religious scholars will politely clap as you do
so. The sound will gently usher you into
your eternal slumber, where a giant black god will stare you down for half of
eternity, then politely acknowledge your personhood for the rest.
Congratulations White Rastafarian!
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