Congratulations Appropriate Nickname!

Hey there buddy!  You're quite a person, don't you know!  Until last night, we thought you were just a regular person, but as it turns out, we've learned, over the last 24 hours, that you're a sort of subhuman monster who deserves one of the most poignant and disturbing nicknames conceivable.  After what you did to that woman, to your own brother, who was just standing next to her, to your cousin, who tried to stop you from leaving the room after you did that thing to that woman...  Jesus.  Your nickname sums it up, but we don't want to call you by it because tonight you're getting married!  Married married married!

So today is the big day, obvi, natch.  You're going to walk up to the altar with the woman who decided she hated herself enough to condemn herself to a life with you and, after about thirty seconds of awkward silence while the priest (who you, let's be frank, should not have invited to your bachelor party last night) waits for any of the twelve people who saw you do tremendously objectionable things last night to speak up and loudly declare that you shouldn't marry anyone, and, in fact, should probably be in jail, tie the knot!  He will do all of this without bringing up your new nickname, because he is a professional and, unlike you, a decent human being.

Tomorrow, you're going to be engaged in the full throes of marriage and, ere long, the nickname you earned last night will come to haunt you for years and years to come until, in a little under a decade, you take your own life by hanging yourself with a belt.  You'll remove your shoes and pants beforehand to make it look like you were masturbating before you do it, just to make sure your death throws people off of the much more shameful and true story of your nickname, and how you got it.  But today is your special day, so relish it, and try not to think about what you did to that poor woman, who has a family, parents who love her and, unlike you, never did anything to earn quite such a distinct and terrible nickname as the one you now have, already growing like a tumor on the collective memory of who you are.

Congratulations Appropriate Nickname!