As a senator standing up and screaming is part and parcel of
what you do. Some people call it being a
dickhead, some people call it politics as usual, you call it making a
living. And, to quote Dolly Parton, what
a way to make a living, at that!
Some people are just better at screaming than others,
though. You, you're one of, if not
simply just, the best. You're one of the
few true blue senators who can not only scream really loud, but can also stand
up while doing so and, what's more, you can do so for an extended period of
time. You're one of the last remaining
filibusterers.
Today is going to be a particularly auspicious day for
you. Senator Wuzzizface from that state
we usually don't care about that actually has a lot of money, thanks to a handful
of prudent investors and businesses people tend not to think about (we think it
might be Washington) will come into your office, pork-pie hat literally in
hand, and ask you to filibuster for him.
"We need to make sure this bill doesn't pass,"
he'll explain.
You'll smile and tap your knuckles against your desk
sharply, then stand up and look to an empty part of the room.
"Watch this," you'll announce to no one in
particular.
"I'll help you filibuster, but you'll have to pay my filibuster
fee," you'll tell Senator Wuzzizface.
"I assumed as much," he'll say, baffled by your
behavior, but happy that you'll have agreed to help him, since you'll
technically be going against your own party to do so. After he speaks you'll turn to the empty part
of the room again and wink.
"Just like I always wanted," you'll say in a
perfectly normal voice that Senator Wuzzizface has no trouble whatsoever
hearing.
A week later, you'll stand up and shout at the senate a
bunch until they go on senate vacation, which is like, most of the year. Two weeks after that, you'll be committed to
a mental institution for addressing an invisible camera that doesn't exist and
never has. You'll die in there from
complications related to siphilus, which you should've had treated years ago,
but never thought to, since, as a filibustering senator, you thought you could
just talk it to death.
You'll say that to your imaginary camera just before you
die; it'll be okay, but the staff at the hospital won't be impressed. They'll have seen it all before.
Congratulations Filibuster Phil!
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