Your life is controlling risk. Risk of a hostile corporate takeover, risk of
personal injury, risk of psychological damage.
The world is resplendent with threats, and your job is to make sure
they're as non-threatening as possible, considering the circumstances. So when your first child was born about four
months ago, you immediately began considering means of mitigating risk.
"Well, you won't be leaving our apartment for the first
four months of your life," you announced to your newborn daughter. She stared at you, puzzled, then puffed out
her cheeks and commenced wailing terribly for a few hours. You didn't know how to respond, so you handed
her off to your wife, who shoved a tit in her face. That shut her up good.
Four months into her life, your wife now has to return to
work so you, being the forward thinking young dad you are, have now decided to
start taking care of your infant on your off days. Your wife has been uncomfortable about the
prospect of you being alone with your daughter.
"You're kind of dumb," she said. "Call me before you do anything that you
think I'd call stupid."
You told her you loved her and that that kind of
backchatting sass is why you married her, then hung up and began the process of
coating your infant daughter in shock-resistant Safe Tee Foam (trademark). Once your daughter was all bundled up you
took her out into the world and, within minutes, were greeted by screaming
nannies and armed police officers who ripped your daughter from the stroller
while they held you at gunpoint, all the while ignoring your cries of
"she's safe, she's safe, it's fine."
It took them nearly ten minutes to cut her free from her
foam using a flick knife, but once she was out it was immediately apparent that
she'd suffocated. You thought about
trying to adopt a child from an agency, from some weird place full of brown
people like Brazil or Tapas, but when you crunched the numbers it was too
risky, so you faked your death instead.
Have fun with your new life in Alaska!
Congratulations Risk Mitigator!
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