Congratulations Bat Gregor Samsa!

When your parents died, you were sad.  But you settled into a life, a good life, as a salesman.  It didn't pay much, sure, but it secured you a comfortable living, an attractive wife, and a beautiful dog named Charles.  Charles was easily your favorite part, but you kept that from your wife.

The years have been easy, if a bit of an uninterrupted slog towards eternity.  But, of course, today is coming, and, as is so often the case, for our readers and in general, today will change everything.

For today, you see, you will begin to take on the form of an enormous bat!

You'll spot yourself in the mirror, hair growing on the back of your hands.  You'll scratch your chest.  Scratch scratch scratch.  Then you'll call to your wife.

"Honey?!" you'll shout through the halls of your modest home.  "I think I need to see a doctor."

She'll rush into the room and, upon seeing you, cover her mouth.

"Oh my," she'll mumble.  "Honey."  She'll drop her hands from her mouth, wander across the room and give you a big old hug.  Then she'll get Charles ready to travel, load the two of you up in the car and drive you, man sized bat and golden retriever, to the hospital.

When the lot of you arrive, the attending at the ER will rush you to an exam room, where he'll isolate you from the general population.  He'll speak to you in a hushed voice.

"Sir, it's important that you realize that your condition is not life threatening."

You'll nod in response.

"You're experiencing a phenomena we've dubbed animal transmogrifism, or metamorphosisitis, if you're kind of a dick.  There's no known causes, and no known cures, but it only seems to impact your life if your family and co-workers are dicks."

Your wife will kiss you on the cheek while your dog licks your palm.  You'll shrug and run your finger along the inside of your mouth, where row upon row on tiny, razor thin teeth will have manifested.

"Can I fight crime?" you'll ask, suddenly excited by the prospect of avenging your parents' deaths, suddenly a fresh scar upon your psyche after so many quiet years unconsidered.

The doctor will look at you, puzzled, in response.

"Could you before?" he'll ask.

Congratulations Bat Gregor Samsa!