Congratulations on Passing Those Nails Through Your Colon!

Being a geek means doing some pretty cool stuff in front of some pretty interesting people, and it suits you just fine.  You run around, biting off fish heads and eating chickens alive, occasionally biting shrimp in two before spitting each half of shrimp at a particularly fat audience member.  You've been doing it for a decade, and during that time you've seen more than half of America, you've been in love three times with two women and you've been married four times, total.  The most recent one, a green card marriage, has stuck, in a sense, leaving you feeling unlucky in love, but satisfied that, even when you're miserable, you're still making a difference for people in the world.

But today that's especially bittersweet, because today you're going to eat a bunch of nails without remembering that the things you eat eventually have to come out of your asshole.

For the most part, the nail will be okay - your stomach and intestine will cover the metal in an protective mucus that will keep it from tearing your intestinal wall, but it'll still be a piece of metal when it comes out of your ass and the oculus of your rectum shutters to push it out.  That oculus will, in a sense, work pretty well, but at certain moments it will snag - the metal will touch walls, scratch things, and the pain will be unbelievable.

This pain will be amplified by the knowledge that eating nails is actually a lot harder than it looks, and geeking is largely about making easy things look difficult.  So you'll have ended up hurting yourself pretty seriously to put on a lackluster show most people didn't even really watch while it was going on.

Congratulations on Passing Those Nails Through Your Colon!