You think you’re pretty clever, don’t you? Well you are!
You’re a clever feller, Warren, and it shows when you do things like
what you pulled today: robbing a bank without ever firing a shot or alerting
anyone in the bank to your presence.
Step one involved entering a bank through a series of subterranean
tunnels carved from the earth by CHUDs.
Step two involved holding those aforementioned CHUDs at bay with fire
while a high powered drill breached the walls of an underground vault. Steps three through seven were some bullshit
involving cameras, duffel bags, and all the money in the vault. Step eight involved getting back into the
rental car you got from Hertz and driving back to your parents house. Step nine: stash the money under your mom’s
mattress. Step ten: return your rental
car.
Today you’re going to start step 11: looking for new places
to live. It’s not that you don’t love
your parents, or that living with them is particularly bad. It’s just that you’re a pretty successful
bank robber now and you’re almost thirty-five (happy almost birthday, buddy!)
so the general consensus is that it’s time for you to start living life on your
own and maybe making a little batch of bank robbing kids of your own.
We recommend using Craigslist and specifically targeting properties
run by Russian gangsters. Your ability
to pay in cash will impress them, and their racism will insure that you live in
a neighborhood safe from the foul influence of black people or the Irish. Just make sure they never discover just how
much money you have, or they’ll hack your limbs off with machetes and then rape
you until you tell them where you’ve stashed it all.
Happy apartment hunting!
Congratulations Warren!
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