Some people have tiny dicks.
Some people have big dicks. A lot
of people have normal sized dicks.
You have a dick that violates the laws of spacetime.
It’s not that you have an especially big dick. It’s actually pretty close to average in
width and length. But its mass distorts
the world around it, so that even when it doesn’t have blood in it time dilates
around it. That means that a woman whose
head is approaching your dick to give you a blowjob will experience time at an
increasingly slow rate, and that you brain perceives everything that happens
around your crotch at a snail’s pace.
We’d like to say that today you find a woman who can endure
that time dilation without screaming or that you find a way to experience oral
sex for less than thirty real world seconds (which your groin engages as an
impressive thirty minutes) but that’s not going to happen. Really, you’re going to die alone, weeping,
with withered genitals and balls that look even older than most men’s balls do.
No, today, your dick is going to examined by physicists who
will use its characteristics to fine tune the large hadron collider. They’ll joke about renaming it “the large
hard-on collider” in recognition of your findings but will, instead, decide to
land on the more public-funding-friendly solution of placing a plaque in the
collider control room recognizing your contribution to theoretical physics. This will, of course, be the only means by
which you are remembered, excepting the horrifying memories of oral sex
that lasted far too long and occasionally phased in and out of a nightmare
dimension similar to but distinct from the sort of pocket plane posited in
Clive Barker’s The Hellbound Heart that many of your previous sexual partners will share.
Congratulations Warping Dick Man!
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