Congratulations on Romping with Dragons!

When you were transported to a vibrant fantasy world similar to but distinct from the realm conceived of by Gary Gygax as the setting for his famed Dungeons and Dragons role playing game you were pretty terrified.  I mean, there’s some really scary shit in that game, even if you’re just looking pre-Ravenloft. You haven’t really gotten used to it, so you’ve spent the last four months in a state of perpetual terror.

Today, you’re going to give that all up and try to live life to the fullest.

You’re going to do the one thing you’ve always wanted to do, the thing that every villager, even the ones who gave you terrible advice, robbed you or molested you while you were drunk, told you not to do.

You’re going to try and ride a dragon.

You won’t just run up to the dragon and try to jump on its back.  You’re not retarded.  No, you’ll conduct an elaborate courtship dance, which consists partially of elements of the Hustle and the Electric Slide, in order to earn the dragon’s trust and convince it that you’re a pretty cool dude.  The dragon will, for at least forty minutes, be thoroughly amused.  But there’s a problem.  You’ll be dancing for a red dragon.  And as any dungeon master worth his sack of polyhedral die will tell you, chromatic dragons (dragons that are delineated by color, as opposed to a relationship with metal [it’s a very rich fiction]) are all psychotic dickheads.  So after watching you dance for about an hour the dragon will eventually get bored and exhale, ever so gently.

The force of its breath will be gentle, almost soothing, but the heat that accompanies the breeze from the beast’s lungs will be withering, overwhelming.  Despite the early spring air in the valley where you’ll be frolicking, you’ll become uncomfortably hot.  Then, in an instant, you’ll burst into flames.

You’ll writhe on the ground for another two to four minutes before you stop, at which point the dragon will return to napping, as it will no longer be entertained by your antics.

Your bones will eventually be found by nearby villagers, who will use them to construct a life-like model of an adventurer, to be used in dragon-safety performances by the local municipal authority.

Congratulations on Romping with Dragons!