Congratulations on Riding to Mordor!

You can’t even quit smoking. You have trouble not jacking it to internet porn every time your girlfriend steps out. You were once asked to stop drinking so you could get your grandma from the airport, and you lasted fifteen minutes before taking a shot just because you couldn’t. You’re quite possibly the worst possible choice for a task requiring a great deal of willpower, like the one just laid at your feet.

Which should make you suspicious, but Gandalf will offer you cold hard cash (five hundred bucks, the money you’re missing for rent!) to take your Honda Accord across the land of Gondor and into Mordor to drop the Ring of Power, the single most desirable artifact in the world, into a volcano at great personal risk to both your body and your soul. And the presence of cold hard cash will make you disregard every possible negative and just go for it.

The journey will actually be pretty uneventful, since most people in Mordor won’t know how to deal with cars. Before they realized they can just set an orc in front of you and let you hit it, disabling your vehicle with its tremendous mass, you’ll already be on top of Mount Dhoom (turns out Mordor is roughly the size of Connecticut). At this point you’ll have a problem.

See, you won’t be able to make yourself let go of the Ring.

“Is it really that bad?” you’ll ask aloud, thinking you’re alone. At this point Gandalf will magic your trunk open. He’ll have been hiding inside it the whole drive, waiting for this moment. He’ll silently nod at you and then use his surprisingly intense old man strength to push you into the pit of lava waiting for you and the ring at the base of the volcano.

“Yes, it is,” he’ll mumble into the lava before getting into your car and driving home using magic, because he won’t know how to drive stick.

Congratulations on Riding to Mordor!