Congratulations on Finding Out What Sounding is in This Context!

“Are you sure?” she’ll ask.  You’ll nod emphatically and she’ll shrug.  This will be somewhere around the fifteen or sixteen warning that she’s given you.  So when she slides the steel rod into the tip of your penis with a practiced deftness that tells you she’s been doing this at least once a month since college, you won’t really be justified in the horror you suddenly experience.

“WHY IS IT IN MY PENIS?!” you’ll scream, stock still for fear that violent movements will tear the delicate lining inside of your member.

“This is what you asked for,” she’ll coo up at you delicately, stroking your balls in an effort to calm you down.

It will not be productive.

Later, after she’s removed the sounding rod from your dick and made you some cocoa she’ll pull out the biggest strap-on you’ve ever seen, wink at you and ask, “Want to try pegging?”

You’ll shrug.

“I’ll do anything once!” you’ll cheer after a dramatic sip of cocoa.

Congratulations on Finding Out What Sounding is in This Context!

Congratulations on Getting Out of the Weeds!

You’re going to be ass deep in prick clients tonight when that madman crashes his motorcycle through the plate glass window of the restaurant and rolls to a stop, the flames still lapping at his arms.

“Holy shit,” you’ll shout as you rush over to him with damp towels, trying to smother the blaze. He won’t seem to hear you, however.

Part of it will be the mild concussion, and part of it will be the sound of his journey through the window and two your feet, which will have been deafeningly loud from his perspective. But a small, critical portion of his efforts will have been generated entirely by love. Specifically love at first sight.

“Holy shit,” he’ll mumble up at you as you do your best to take care of him. He won’t squirm or writhe in pain or anything like that. He’ll just kind of smile up at you with this dumbass look on his face and blood oozing from a cut on his temple down across his eyes. His perfect blue eyes.

While you’re daubing blood off of them, that’s when you’ll first see them for the first time. Like, really see them. After you clear most of his vital fluids off his face you’ll smile and say “Hi,” back at him while he still lays their and mouths the words “holy shit” over and over.

When he finally calms down you’ll get him name (Colin) and find out he was training to be a dare-devil and did kind of a shitty job of making sure he wouldn’t get hurt. You’ll find his lacking judgment and his ability to interrupt your shitty work-day endearing, and ask him if he wants to come home that night. Thus will begin your brief, unsuccessful stint as a daredevil promoter/paramour.

Congratulations on Getting Out of the Weeds!

Congratulations on Your Expert Driving!

You’ll even the wheels up and back in easily, straightening them out with expert precision. Then you’ll ease forward, providing the car behind you with ample room to exit their space and straightening your vehicle out in the process. Then you’ll breathe a sigh of relief, exit your car, and carefully examine your handiwork.

You’ll start laughing there in the street, alarming passers-by and panhandlers alike as you point to your perfectly parked vehicle and hop up and down like an idiot. You’ll be so exited that you’ll pull out your camera phone, take a picture and send it to your estranged wife with the caption “AWESOME!”

She won’t be inspired by your parking competence and will not, as you secretly hope, take the opportunity to reconnect and renew your relationship.

Congratulations on Your Expert Driving!

Congratulations on Driving Her Away Once and For All!

You and your girlfriend have a lot of stress in your lives. Normally you deal with that stress by having lots of sex and smoking weed and watching movies sent to your home by Netflix, but it’s a losing battle and the walls are slowly closing in on you. Bit by bit you’re slipping towards breakupsville, and neither of you really want to be there.

That’s why you’re going to make a big gesture today by welcoming her home with one hundred white lab mice. You thought it would be a cute way to show her you cared about her work and a way to maybe help her save some money around the office.

It will backfire completely. She’ll start screaming and won’t stop until you’ve either collected every single one of the fuckers or smashed their skulls in with a phone book. By the time all is done she’ll refuse to speak with you. She’ll put your ass on the couch and spend an hour pulling your shit out of the bedroom and leaving it in cardboard boxes that the two of you keep around for recycling.

After she finishes, after you’re sitting on the couch with a lamp on staring at the ceiling mumbling to yourself, you’ll notice one of the mice running across the floor. You’ll have missed one and he’ll be out of the cage, running around, his little pink eyes taking in the big new world he’s been forced into.

You’ll know that she’d want him caught, that she wants everything in her life to be contained and secured so that she can have a few occasional moments of peace, but you won’t be able to bring yourself to move from the couch. You’ll just sit there and watch as the creature scurries to and fro, exploring this wondrous new place you’ll soon be leaving.

Congratulations on Driving Her Away Once and For All!

Congratulations on Attending an Anime Convention!

You lack any serious social disorders. You read books. You watch mass released, domestically produced films. You even date real people who exist in a medium other than celluloid or, more recently, digital video. As such it’s no surprise that you’ve never attended an anime con.

Anime cons are cultural exchanges where people without social skills come together in order to further alienate themselves for society at large. There’s no reason for you to actually visit one on your own, but lately you’ve been dating an adorable girl with blue hair who grew up on Japanese animation and Japanese culture and you’ve been convinced to attend one of these conferences as a caveat to her. We’d tell you not to but she’s astoundingly hot. You’d be a fool not to meet her halfway on this one.

The moment the two of you show up you’ll be mobbed by asocial fucktardss who have dreamed of one day seeing a girl like her in the real world and have never heard of the city of Portland. You’ll suddenly realize just why she wanted to bring you here: to make sure you knew just how lucky you were to have her and how fast she could dump you for any number of men who have no idea of how to satisfy her.

She’ll also be basking in the attention, which is nice to see because it means you’ll get a little time away from her needy ass.

You’ll wander around the convention hall, taking in the various be-costumed freaks attending the show. Every once in a while you’ll see a girl, much like your girlfriend, with heavily dyed hair and an outfit which seems just a little bit off, but suggestive enough that no one would complain about it being inappropriate, but for the most part it’ll be dudes with skin problems shuffling around, some in costumes, some in t-shirts, staring at said women.

After around forty minutes of this shit you’ll stumble outside, desperate for interaction with a human being who can talk about something other than “Naruto” and you’ll find a small collection of similar looking men to yourself who are gathered in a circle, smoking and complaining that their girlfriends dragged them here.

You’ll shuffle up to them and immediately be offered a light by a man with graying hair.

“First time?” he’ll ask. You’ll nod.

“Get used to it,” he’ll say, snapping his Zippo closed after lighting your cigarette. It will be engraved with a strange looking wolf-boy with a shock of white hair. You’ll know where he got it right away.

“How long have you been here?” you’ll ask after taking a deep, cleansing breath of nicotine and toxins, killing off whatever foulness dwelled within your lungs from the air in that place.

“Too long,” he’ll say, holding up a wedding ring. Several other men in the circle will nod to one another, harumphing, but a few will just stand silent, fearing the fate that has come upon these men. You’ll be curious, though.

“Have you ever asked if it’s alright for you to stay at home during these little outings?” The man will look shocked.

“Are you kidding? My wife would probably leave me in a heartbeat for one of those losers inside.” Most of the rest of the crowd will nod and harumph some more in agreement, but one young man will step forward and speak.

“What if we’re the real losers here? We lose a weekend a month doing something we hate because we don’t trust our astoundingly hot girlfriends around some of the most non-threatening men in the world. What does that say about us?”

The circle will sit quiet for a moment as you all smoke your cigarettes. Then, one by one, they’ll each crush their smokes out and head back inside to find their significant others and make sure they haven’t been gangbanged by Love Hina fans yet.

Congratulations on Attending an Anime Convention!