Congratulations on Getting a Face Tattoo!

Bad idea tattoos are a topic that people discuss sometimes.  Sometimes that dick on your back your friend drew is permanent.  Sometimes you get another friend’s signature on your shoulder.  Sometimes you tattoo the word “submit” on your dick.  Usually we’d sarcastically congratulate you on those face tattoos.  But sarcasm is getting played out.  Fuck sarcasm.  We’re here to genuinely offer our congratulations on your sweet new tat.

Which happens to be on your face.

“What?” past you might ask.  “Why would I get a face tattoo?”

“Because future you realized it would be awesome” would then be our response.

If this conversation occurred, which, of course, it didn’t, because if it ever had there would be a paradox.  You figured out how great your face ink would look all by yourself, went out, and got it done, and today you’re going to show up in the office with a big red raw slathering of ink on your face.  You’ll sit down at your desk, very carefully sip from a mug of coffee.  You’ll answer emails, ignoring the lengthy stares from your co-workers, until ten thirty rolls around and you step into your first meeting of the day.

You’ll stride into the conference room in your sassy-lady-suit, put down your document containing brief case and nod at your co-workers.  Their open mouths will prompt you.  You’ll sigh and turn off the projector that was displaying the various Access based data visualizations you were going to showcase.

“Before we begin,” you’ll announce to the room, pointing at your face.  “I have a tattoo on my face of a Narwhal having sex with a unicorn.”  Murmurs will overtake the conference room.  “It’s pretty awesome, I know.”  Assent will color the murmurs.  “We’re all adults.”  The murmurs will shift in tenor.  One will verge upon harrumph territory.  “Theoretically.”  The harrumphs will quiet.  “So let’s all act like adults and discuss potential load reduction and maintenance vectors for utility markets located in the southwestern United States.”

The meeting will erupt into applause which, after some waving down on your part, will silence, leading into one of the more productive meetings you have.  Later on in the day, after post-meeting follow-ups have had their chance to occur, one of the vice presidents in charge of client projections will walk up to your cubicle and nod at you.

“Good work in there.  Nice ink on your face.”

You’ll smile and nod back at her.

“Thanks.”

Then you’ll go back to entering data and fantasizing about where you’ll eat lunch.  You’ll decide to avoid anything spicy or vegan, effectively ruling out a third of your culinary options in downtown Portland.

Congratulations on Getting a Face Tattoo!