Congratulations Murderer!

Murder is a heinous crime.  Life is short, and human beings should cherish as much of it as they can.  Cutting another’s time short for whatever reason is a pretty reprehensible thing to visit upon another life form, and is generally considered poor form in society.  So it should come as no surprise today that, after shooting a twenty year old man in the face for “looking at you expectantly” you find yourself today standing in front of a jury.

“Hm,” the jury will say as it weighs the evidence of your case (you shot the boy in the face in front of his mother without warning and then sat on the corner caressing your gun and mumbling to yourself for a half hour until the police arrived) against other mitigating factors (you’re white, and more importantly, super Anglo, dressed to the nines in a sweater vest and a half-tie) to determine culpability in the case.

After ten minutes, they’ll proudly announce: “Not guilty!”

The crowd will sit in stunned silence as they consider what has just transpired.  The jury will explain that they think you were justified because the logo on the boy’s shirt represented a company you were once fired from and, as a group of unemployed bumpkins, they know what it’s like to get fired from a job you’re not overly fond of.

You’ll emerge from the courtroom with your head held high and walk down the courthouse steps into a perplexed crowd.  You’ll start wading through them and get about halfway through before some anonymous trickster stabs you in the kidney and leaves you to bleed out in a ring of onlookers still shocked into voicelessness by the decision to absolve you of guilt.  As your breath leaves you you’ll rasp out a plea.

“When will Congress pass comprehensive knife control?”

Then you’ll die.

Congratulations Murderer!