After X-Men First Class we didn’t think there could be any shittier collection of heroes. But holy shit, were we ever wrong, and are you ever going to prove that to us today when you are accepted into the X-Men for having the power of being able to make people feel irrationally bad about shit they’ve done.
You’ll be called The Jewess, which is weird because you’re actually an agnostic who was raised by Episcopalian parents, but everyone will call you by the name and you’ll be weirdly sexualized for it as well. You’ll only go on missions where the villains are doing things that are kind of dickish but not really violent in an immediate or threatening way.
You’ll spend most of your time watching TV, occasionally working out and learning how to cook from books that other people in the mansion will buy. You will very rarely venture out into world and buy groceries, but your powers will often make total strangers feel terrible about themselves in public so, for the good of the world, you’ll do your best not to expose them to your presence.
We’d offer you these congratulations directly, but we know you’d use your super guilt powers to make us feel bad for pointing out something you’re good at. So celebrate this, the day of your inauguration to what used to be one of the most prestigious super-hero groups in North America before you came along!
Congratulations Worst X-Man Ever!
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