Congratulations on Hittin' Da Club!

You rarely leave your house because of a generalized series of disorders we like to call “elephant man disease,” and when you do it’s always kind of a crazy experience. So tonight, when you “hit da club” it’s not just going to be a matter of dinner dancing with champagne flutes and bitches and hoes and something else. It’s going to be crazy.

First off you look like the Elephant Man, as we mentioned before, which makes going out in public a weird and alienating experience for both you and all the people around you. Second off, you talk an incredibly high pitched whine so everything you say is annoying, even when it’s profound. And third off, you have a giant dick which gets hard for like, no reason, which means women are alternately offended by your penis and incredibly excited to see you because they want to jump your freakish, malformed bones.

So when you arrive at the club in your finest hood clutching a cane of ivory taken from the tusk of the mightiest elephant you could catch and kill at the San Diego Zoo you’ll shrilly announce your presence.

“Good evening, ladies,” your reedy voice will trill through the night air. The music will stop for a moment as the entire population of the club takes in your presence, an awkward experience that will be that much more awkward for the fact that you’ll find it incredibly arousing.

It’ll make you sprout a boner so thick and hard that it’ll even be visible the bartender struggling to sift through the mumbled orders of a dozen unruly, unpleasant under-aged patrons.

“Mommy like,” she’ll mouth at you. You’ll nod back, your hood rustling in the silence. The rustling will only serve to arouse you further, making your penis even more engorged, and when the music starts up again women will cluster around you, grinding on your giant, misshapen dick.

“It has begun,” you’ll nasally intone as women get “all up on” you. You’ll lazily roll your hips with each of them, but your eyes will never leave the bartender, not that she’ll be able to notice thanks to the hood. She’ll keep glancing at you intermittently throughout the night, pausing every once in a while to lick her lips and make blowjob-ish gestures at you.

The two of you will end up having angry sex later on that night, which will be great until she tears your hood off and exposes your face. After that she won’t be able to stop screaming.

Congratulations on Hittin’ Da Club!