Congratulations on Dealing With Your Daddy Issues!

You’ve got more daddy issues than the whole rest of Sante Fe combined, but it’s no surprise. He left you and your momma with more debt than fleas, and given that his business was raising poorly-groomed dogs that’s a lot of debt. He left you cold, alone and he left you with the sluttiest drunk that Sante Fe did ever see which, again, is kind of the same sort of superlative we applied with the flea story.

But today you’re finally going to cope with it. You’re going to walk up to a mall Santa who is working for some inexplicable reason in the middle of March, slap him in the face and push him down on the ground. You’ll start shouting at him.

“You were never there for me!” you’ll scream, digging your heel into his back.

“Agggh!” he’ll cry, inarticulately.

“Son of a bitch!” you’ll shout, kicking him in the gut to get him to roll over. “Left me and my momma for nothin’! For this!”

You’ll stand there above that sorry slab of a man, an alcoholic who is just trying to make enough money to get his next drink. He’ll look up at you with red rimmed eyes, brimming with tears and you’ll see for the first time just how weak and pitiful your daddy really was.

You won’t realize that your ex-boyfriend lied to you about tracking your pappy down, that he just wanted to set you loose on a mall Santa to make some miserably asshole’s life a little worse. But he didn’t realize that the other side of your daddy issues was a big old motherly heart, and while you look down at the quivering man beneath you you’ll realize that he isn’t your father, even if your father could still be any number of mall Santas at the same mall. And you’ll formulate a plan to track him down.

“Shit mister, you ain’t my pappy,” you’ll say, shaking your head.

“No, I’m not,” the mall Santa will say, suddenly articulate.

“Well…shoot, mister, let me make it up to you,” you’ll say, unbuttoning your blouse while stroking your chest and smiling. At this point the mall Santa will be confused, and you’ll take advantage of that, grabbing his dick and stroking it until its hard, and then ramming it into your vagina.

You’ll rock that mall Santa’s world, thinking that through him you’ll uncover all of the secrets of the mall Santa profession. But really you’ll just have sex with a down on his luck, out of shape guy and make his world a much, much better place. After a few weeks you’ll realize that your father is probably dead and that he’s definitely not a Santa employed in the middle of spring at that particular mall. You’ll just settle into a relationship with Tony, the mall Santa, who really needed someone like you to help him out of his slump. And while it won’t last with him, it’ll be good and the two of you will emerge from your relationship stronger than when it started.

Congratulations on Dealing with Your Daddy Issues!