Following the trend of movies like Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation it seemed like the right time to make a hard hitting documentary showing just how much better macrobiotics were than regular people. Unfortunately most Hollywood producers won’t have the slightest clue what that even means, nor will they be in any way willing to extend funding towards your dubious and poorly defined project about “eating better and stuff, bro.”
But this won’t have dissuaded you. Oh no, your determination knows no bounds. You’ll flip those Hollywood fat cats the bird and just start filming yourself with a two hundred dollar camera from Best Buy. You’ll document all your meals and your daily exercise sessions and, occasionally, videotape you and your girlfriend having sex just for the hell of it.
In the end you’ll be left with months of footage, severe health problems and absolutely no technical knowledge of how to edit and master video. So today you’ll wander out into the streets of Large American City and find yourself a cheap-ish video editor. His name will be Franklin and he’ll smoke a lot and avoid eye contact with you while you talk to him, which marks him as a clear carnivore in your mind.
When he opens your video files and finds what’s inside he’ll know that there’s a gold mine in there. Within moments a few of the clips, masterfully edited, will be posted to Youtube. It will depict you discussing how much better your diet makes you than other people while you wheeze, trotting on a treadmill. Then it will cut to a confessional video you made the next day about how watching someone drink a glass of milk is what prevented you from performing sexually the night before. Then it’ll cut to a few seconds of the editor nodding and pointing to an off-You-Tube link of said sex tape at the bottom of the feed which promises to show the embarrassingly bad sex.
You’ll write the editor an enraged email a few seconds later, threatening legal action for his irresponsible behavior. He’ll respond within fifteen minutes, assuring you that hemp is not legal tender and that his movie is way better than the one you tried to make, which actually mostly just shows how big of an asshole you are to your girlfriend.
Who deserves way better, by the way.
Congratulations on Proving to the World That No One Should Be A Macrobiotic!
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